Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
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Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.