Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
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welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
I only eat vegetarians.
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.