According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
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Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts