The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
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Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
What’s a Messi?
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot