*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
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8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.