Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
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[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready