Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
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It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
Goodnight 🐶
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees