Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
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Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
The Others (2001)
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.