Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
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You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.