5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
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i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will