Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
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I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…