If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
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The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
you will never know the true number of layers
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”