U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
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me after drinking all the wine:
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
This was my dad’s browser history.
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.