Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
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The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.