*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
You Might Also Like
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
those birds must be on payroll
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?