You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
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*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
Wikigenius
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends