When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
You Might Also Like
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
ibopfufen
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.