Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
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When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
Mood.. 😂
“A little help here, Danny?”
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.