Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
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Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
ATMs should have breathalyzers
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”