Yes, but it was never about money
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My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper