“Wait, let me explain..”
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30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
me after eating Cheetos
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”