what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
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Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
birds and squirrels envy us
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”