Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
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I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|