*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
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“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
hmm conte-me mais
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*