I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
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Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
I am HOWLING at this