me hitting on a model
You Might Also Like
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
War & Peace
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself