Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
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Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”