Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
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My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?