Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
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Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there