Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
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Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
Not messing around
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?