‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
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The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.