Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
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Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.