OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
You Might Also Like
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe