I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
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Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.