horrifying if literal: the electric slide
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My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.