HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
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*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
What an awful time to have common sense.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-