First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
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I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
AM I BEING GASLIT????
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT