[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
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Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
called in thicc to work this morning
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair