*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
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*seductively eats two tums*
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.