All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
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– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
Had a spot of bother earlier.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.