Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
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We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.