ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
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Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
Care for your back
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
opening a flower shop called women in stem
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
I’ve had relationships like this