friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
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I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
The opposite of Iceland is water water
U talkin 2 me?
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.