the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
You Might Also Like
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
File under excellent bookstore names.
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff