Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
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Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?