discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
You Might Also Like
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
Well, this is awkward
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.