Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
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Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
The happy life.. 😊
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.