When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
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A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right