The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
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Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.