She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
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“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
this is 10/10 content no notes
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.